Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me.

MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM

SEINFELD – THE VIOLATOR

AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

 

COLD OPEN

INT. MEN’S ROOM OF COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT

THERE IS A WALL WITH 3 URINALS. JERRY IS STANDING AT THE RIGHT URINAL. ANOTHER MAN (PAUL) ENTERS THE MEN’S ROOM AND MOVES TO THE CENTER URINAL. WE DO NOT SEE PAUL’S FACE, JUST HIS BACK.

CLOSE UP OF JERRY’S FACE. HE TURNS SLIGHTLY TOWARD PAUL AND HIS EYES GET HUGE AND A LOOK OF SHOCK AND DISGUST ON HIS FACE. HE QUICKLY LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD AT THE WALL IN FRONT OF HIM.

END COLD OPEN

ACT I

INT. MONK’S DELI – DAY

IN A BOOTH, GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, ELAINE SITS ACROSS FROM THEM. JERRY ENTERS AND SLOWLY SITS NEXT TO ELAINE.

GEORGE

What’s with you?

JERRY

I had an…incident in the men’s room at the club last night.

ELAINE

I already don’t like where this is going.

KRAMER

What depraved thing have you done now?

JERRY

The room has three urinals.

ELAINE

Is this gonna be gross? ’Cause we’re eating.

GEORGE

We haven’t even ordered yet.

JERRY

There are three urinals. I’m standing at the one on the far right. This guy, Paul, the bartender, comes in and takes position at the center.

GEROGE

Whoa, wait a minute. Was the other urinal open, the one farther away?

JERRY

Oh, yeah.

KRAMER

Paul did that?

ELAINE

What’s the big deal?

GEORGE

That’s a violation. You don’t take up position right next to another guy!

ELAINE

Violation? Of what?

JERRY

The unwritten rules of men’s room etiquette.

ELAINE

You have rules?

GEORGE, KRAMER, AND JERRY IN UNISION

Oh, yeah.

KRAMER

Now that you mention it, I’ve noticed that Paul will often go to the middle urinal when all three are available.

GEORGE

Really?

ELAINE

What’s wrong with that?

JERRY

It’s inviting company.

ELAINE

Inviting company?

JERRY

You want a buffer between you and the next guy while you’re going.

GEORGE

When you stand in the middle, you’re inviting someone to stand right next to you. In fact, you’re denying them their personal space.

ELAINE

Why? ‘Cause if a guy pees next to you, you might become gay or something?

JERRY

Of course not. It…it impedes performance.

GEORGE

Exactly!

ELAINE

Performance?

GEORGE

The ability to—uhh—perform, you know…

JERRY

The function at hand, so to speak.

ELAINE

You’ve got to be kidding.

JERRY

You’ve heard of stage fright, right?

ELAINE

In the men’s room?

JERRY

When you got to go, especially when you really got to go, you don’t want anything to distract you from your primary goal.

ELAINE

And you find yourselves easily distracted?

GEORGE, JERRY, AND KRAMER IN UNISON

Yes.

ELAINE

So, you’re all upset just because some guy had the nerve—note my judicious word choice there—to stand next to you while you tried to relieve yourself?

GEORGE

Did he talk to you?

ELAINE

That’s against the rules, too?

KRAMER

Serious violation.

ELAINE

You can’t talk in there? Like a monastery?

JERRY

Well, you can say hello or whatever. But nothing beyond that.

GEORGE

There are safe zones for conversation.

GEORGE BUILDS a little model bathroom with the salt and pepper shakers, the sugar packet holder and the single serving jelly packets.

GEORGE (CONT”D)

The sink and the entrance by the garbage can.

ELAINE

It’s okay to talk there?

ELAINE POINTS TO the strawberry jelly packet at one end of the mock men’s room.

GEORGE

Of course. A lot of gossip and off-color humor shared there.

JERRY

Actually, quite a few serious business meetings happen at the sink in the men’s room.

GEORGE

I once got a performance review while standing at the urinal.

ELAINE

What?

KRAMER slurps the remains of his soda and motions to the waitress for a refill

GEORGE

I was standing there, just about to take care of business, when my manager’s manager sidles up next to me. There were only two urinals in this particular men’s room, so it wasn’t a violation.

JERRY

Were the stalls full? That should be the go-to before joining someone at the wall.

ELAINE

You have got to be kidding me.

JERRY

These are the rules.

The waitress shows up with Kramer’s refill. After she walks away, George continues.

GEORGE

It was my boss’s boss. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, he starts congratulating me on what a great job I’d been doing.

JERRY

You?

GEORGE

Yes. Ironically, his ill-timed praise of my recent performance was having the opposite effect on my performance at that moment. I just stood there, said thanks, and tried to relax enough to go. The more he praised me, the more difficult it became. Finally, I just gave up and left.

ELAINE

You didn’t go?

GEORGE

Are you listening to us? This is serious business!

Elaine rolls her eyes.

KRAMER

Poor performance at the urinal leads to speculation. Which leads to rumors…

ELAINE

Speculation and rumors?

GEORGE

People talk.

ELAINE

About what?

KRAMER

If someone just stands at the urinal and doesn’t do anything, the speculation is that he’s just browsing.

ELAINE

So it all comes back to basic homophobia.

JERRY

No, not at all. Gay men comply with the etiquette like everyone else.

GEORGE

It’s about performance. Browsers deter performance.

ELAINE

So the rumors that spread about browsers are that they obstruct performance, not that they’re gay?

GEORGE

Exactly.

JERRY

No one likes an audience.

ELAINE, GEROGE, AND KRAMER ALL LOOK AT JERRY LIKE HE’S GOT TO BE KIDDING.

JERRY (CONT’D)

Well, not in the men’s room.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

GEORGE IS ON THE COUCH READING THE PAPER. ELAINE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

ELAINE

Hey.

GEORGE

Hey.

THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND JERRY COMES OUT, INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

ELAINE

How’d it go in there? Any violations?

JERRY CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE AND OPENS A SNAPPLE.

JERRY

Ha. Ha. I may never use a public restroom again.

FRONT DOOR BURSTs OPEN AND KRAMER ENTERS. HE QUICKLY LOOKS AT EVERYONE.

KRAMER

Yeah…

KRAMER HEADS STRAIGHT TO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Looks like you don’t have a choice.

JERRY CROSSES TO BATHROOM AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

JERRY

Hey be courteous in there, will ya?

KRAMER V.O.

(UNITELLIGIBLE RESPONSE)

ELAINE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND ADDRESSES GEORGE.

ELAINE

How’s work? Any pop performance reviews?

GEORGE

Fortunately, I don’t have that problem at my new office. I have a bigger problem.

ELAINE

I am afraid to ask…

GEORGE

There’s only a dozen people. So we only have two small restrooms, a men’s and ladies’ right next to each other situated across from the receptionist desk. It’s nice because there’s no problems like we’ve discussed here. Single room, single seat, lock on the door.

ELAINE

So the downside is…?

GEORGE

Well for starters, if someone’s waiting, there’s the awkward moment at the door as one vacates and the other enters. But the worst part is the receptionist. Cindy.

JERRY

Cindy?

GEORGE

Cindy.

GEORGE MENTALLY CONSIDERS CINDY, AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY.

GEORGE (CONT’D)

Twenty-five, sandy blonde, single, hot. Cindy. Someone I don’t have a chance in hell with. Every morning, ten AM like clockwork, it’s time for my daily constitutional.

ELAINE

T.M.I.

Elaine raises her hands.

GEORGE

Too much information? It’s simple biology. You don’t do it?

ELAINE

I don’t talk about it.

GEORGE

My point is, that the bathroom walls are thin. Well, the door is anyway. I’ll see Cindy sitting all pretty at her desk, typing away at her keyboard. She always smiles and says hello. I smile and my face burns red.

JERRY

Does that red go all the way up?

JERRY TAPS GEORGES BALD HEAD.

GEORGE

Gee, I never thought of it before. But, thanks, now there’s something else I’ll forever be self-conscious of.

JERRY

No problem.

GEORGE

It’s really bad when I get there and find it occupied. You don’t know until you try the door. There’s only five other guys in my office, so the odds are in my favor, but sometimes it happens.

ELAINE

So then what? Small talk with Cindy while you wait?

GEORGE

If I had a shred of self-confidence, maybe. No. Just awkward silence. But the worst part is once I get inside. I turn the fan on for cover, but the elapsed time spent in the room always gives away the purpose of the visit. And as I sit there, attempting any means of discretion, I can clearly hear Cindy tapping at her keyboard.

George tapS his fingers on the table for emphasis.

ELAINE

So?

GEORGE

So!? If I can hear her lovely, slender fingers gently typing invoices and e-mail, imagine what she can hear above the low roar of the fan! I never make eye contact with her as I exit. Always a bee-line back to my office.

ELAINE

Poor Cindy. She deserves combat pay.

KRAMER EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM, NODS AT EVERYONE AS HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRIDGE. HE POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF MILK.

JERRY GLANCES INTO THE BATHROOM

JERRY

I see you opened the window.

KRAMER DOWNS MILK IN ONE GULP. WIPES TOP LIP WITH BACK OF HAND.

KRAMER

Oh yeah.

JERRY

Well, I hope you washed up.

KRAMER WIGGLES HIS FINGERS

KRAMER

Clean as a new toothbrush. Which, by the way, you should consider getting.

ELAINE

I suppose not-washing is men’s room etiquette offense, too.

JERRY, GEORGE, AND KRAMER IN UNISON

Oh, yeah.

KRAMER

The sink is where you spot the no-wash offenders.

ELAINE

How does that work?

KRAMER

You’re standing at the sink, waiting for the guy who was at the urinals to join you in the safe zone for a quick chat, but he just passes you by and zip—out the door.

JERRY

The no-wash offense.

ELAINE

They don’t wash their hands?

GEORGE

That’s why it’s an offense.

ELAINE

Boys are gross.

GEORGE

A urinal no-wash is bad. But when I witness a stall no-wash, I almost feel obligated to tell people.

ELAINE

A stall no-wash?

JERRY

They emerge from a stall and skip the sink.

ELAINE

That’s disgusting!

GEORGE

Which is why I want to warn others. I want to go back into the office, point out the offender to anyone who comes in personal contact with him and declare ‘Stall no-wash!’

ELAINE

But you don’t actually do that.

GEORGE sheepishly GOES BACK TO HIS PAPER.

GEORGE

No.

ELAINE

You don’t feel the need to fantasize about announcing urinal no-washes?

GEORGE

While disgusting, it’s a lesser violation. It is possible to urinate without getting any backsplash. Unlikely, but possible.

KRAMER

Actually, urine is sterile.

GEORGE

Any problems with Paul last night?

JERRY

Actually, yes! Worse than the proximity violation.

ELAINE

Worse?

JERRY

He had food.

ELAINE

Who eats in the bathroom?

JERRY

Exactly! He stood next to me at the urinals eating a huge bagel loaded with cream cheese.

ELAINE

Get out!

JERRY

He smiled at me as he chewed, like it was perfectly normal. Pretty gross.

KRAMER

I’ve seen you take your water bottle in there with you.

JERRY

I leave it at the sink counter.

Safe zone.

KRAMER

There’s no safe zone for food in the men’s room. I once saw this guy walk from the urinal to the sink still hangin’ out. He’d wash up, then he’d do this pelvic thrust move and zip up all in one fluid motion.

KRAMER MIMICS PELVIC THRUST MOVE.

KRAMER (CON’T)

I called him Johnny No-hands and his patented flip-n-zip move.

JERRY

He was hanging out at the sink?

KRAMER

There’s no safe zone for food in the men’s room.

ELAINE

Boys are gross.

GEORGE

In college, we used to play this little game we called Bombardier.

ELAINE

I really don’t like where this is going.

GEORGE

We used to take turns straddling the top of the stall walls, take our best aim and let fly with the ordinance.

JERRY

You’ve got to be kidding.

KRAMER nods with sick admiration.

KRAMER

Gotta admit, that’s pretty cool.

ELAINE

Are you talking number one or number two?

GEORGE JUST SHRUGS. DOES HE REALLY NEED TO SAY IT ALOUD?

ELAINE (CON’T)

Girls do not do things like that!

GEORGE

All the guys on the dorm floor would gather around and take bets on accuracy. If anyone was ever lucky enough to get a bulls-eye, there was a huge splashdown. Very impressive.

JERRY

I’m guessing alcohol was a major component of this activity.

GEORGE

Of course. And we always used the same stall. It was generally avoided otherwise. You knew that someone really had to go if they were willing to enter the Bombardier stall.

JERRY

There better not have been any bombardier action in here.

JERRY POINTS TO HIS BATHROOM, GLARES AT KRAMER.

KRAMER

No. No. Just, get a new toothbrush.

END ACT II

Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me. Not sure this is a full episode, just a few scenes tied together with a theme.

MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM
MODERN FAMILY – GAMBLING
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

 

MODERN FAMILY – CHARACTERS

Jay Pritchett – PATRIARCH OF FAMILY

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett – JAY’S SECOND WIFE

Manny Delgado – GLORIA’S SON FROM PREVIOUS MARRIAGE

Mitchell Pritchett – JAY’S GAY SON

Cam Tucker – MITCHELL’S PARTNER/SPOUSE

Lily Tucker-Pritchett – MITCHELL AND CAM’S ADOPTED DAUGHTER

Claire Dunphy – JAY’S DAUGHTER

Phil Dunphy – CLAIRE’S HUSBAND

Haley – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S OLDEST DAUGHTER

Alex – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S YOUNGER DAUGHTER

Luke – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S SON

 

COLD OPEN

INT. COUCH CAM – JAY AND GLORIA – DAY

GLORIA IS VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED.

GLORIA

What are the two things Jay loves the most?

PAUSE. JAY’S EYES MOVE TOWARD GLORIA’S CHEST.

GLORIA (CON’T)

His family and his golf!

JAY ROLLS HIS EYES AS IF TO SAY, OH, YEAH, I GUESS.

GLORIA (CON’T)

So I get him something he’s never had before…a golf game with his family!

INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL AND CAM – DAY

MITCHELL

I played golf with my father once. Once. He yelled at me the entire round. “You’re holding the club wrong! Get closer to the ball! You’re too close to the ball! Follow through on your swing! Pick up the pace!”

I was ten.

INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE AND PHIL – DAY

PHIL

I admit, I am a little intimidated.

CLAIRE

You should be.

PHIL

But also so thrilled! I have wanted to golf with Jay for years but for some reason we just never got around to it.

INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL AND CAM – DAY

CAM

Though my passion was football, I was a fairly accomplished golfer back in high school.

MITCHELL ROLLS HIS EYES

CAM (CON’T)

Back in Iowa, we played on a former cornfield. There were no hills, no trees, no water hazards. The biggest challenge was avoiding the livestock.

INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE AND PHIL – DAY

CLAIRE

When we would ask dad if he had a good round, he’d always say “It’s not about hitting the ball well, it’s about getting away from it all.”

PHIL

What a Zen outlook!

CLAIRE

I’m pretty sure we were the “all” he was getting away from.

INT. COUCH CAM – JAY AND GLORIA – DAY

GLORIA

Then I find out only four people can play at a time. So, I plan a day for Jay to play the golf with his boys!

JAY

Family and golf. If I had to choose between the two, I’d pick golf.

END COLD OPEN

 

ACT I

INT. GOLF COURSE PROSHOP – DAY

JAY IS AT THE COUNTER PAYING FOR THE ROUND OF GOLF WHILE CAM, PHIL, AND MITCHELL ARE LOOKING AROUND THE PROSHOP. JAY TALKS TO THE PROSHOP GIRL AS HE PAYS FOR THE ROUND.

JAY

I know it looks like I’m paying for this right now, but I have a feeling I’ll be paying for it all morning.

PHIL TOUCHES A DISPLAY OF A PYRAMID OF GOLF BALLS AND THEY COLLAPSE AND ROLL ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE CHASE AFTER THEM.PROSHOP GIRL AWKWARDLY SMILES AT JAY.

MITCHELL AND CAM GO THROUGH THE RACKS OF SHIRTS ON DISPLAY. MITCHELL AND PHIL ARE BOTH CASUALLY DRESSED, JAY AND CAM ARE WEARING NEARLY IDENTICAL LOUD PLAID PANTS, EXCEPT CAM’S ARE BRIGHT PINK.

CAM POINTS TO HIS PANTS AND JAY’S.

CAM

Look, we’re twinsees!

JAY

Mine glow in the dark slightly less than yours.

MITCHELL

Only slightly.

CAM NOTICES A MANNEQUIN WEARING A VERY SCOTTISH KILT AND MATCHING GOLF SHIRT HOLDING A DRIVER.

CAM

Well, I may need to trade up. Come on Jay, what do you say we get kilts?

JAY SHAKES HIS HEAD.

JAY

How are you supposed to swing a club when you got everything else is swinging?

MITCHELL RAISES AN EYEBROW.

PHIL HAS FINISHED GATHERING MOST OF THE BALLS. HE IS VERY EXCITED TO SPEND THE DAY WITH JAY. CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER AND ASKS…

PHIL

Okay, so who is riding with who today??

INT. COUCH CAM – PHIL – DAY

PHIL

I am really looking forward to spending some quality father-in-law / son-in-law bonding time with Jay today.

INT. – GOLF COURSE PROSHOP – DAY

WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP, JAY RESPONDS

JAY

Cam’s with me.

CAM

Twinsees!

MITCHELL SHRUGS “OF COURSE”

INT. COUCH CAM – PHIL – DAY

PHIL

Brother-in-law bonding time is good, too.

EXT. – GOLF COURSE – DAY

THE FOURSOME IS AT THE TEE.

JAY

So are we going to make this game interesting, gentlemen?

CAM

Oooh, a little action always makes the game more interesting.

MITCHELL

Dad, there’s no way any of us can compete with you.

JAY

Oh, I know.

PHIL TAKES A PRACTICE SWING AT THE TEE AND IT IS HORRIBLE. GRASS GOES FLYING.

JAY (CON’T)

We can play teams. And I’ll spot you two strokes per hole.

PHIL TAKES ANOTHER SWING, THIS TIME THE CLUB GOES FLYING.

JAY (CON’T)

Three strokes per hole.

INT. COUCH CAM – JAY – DAY

JAY

I like to gamble. When there’s something riding on the play, it is so much more interesting. And I need as much as I can to make this round interesting.

EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY

PHIL

Whoa, did you see that? The club actually went farther than the ball!

EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY

CAM IS DRIVING JAY IN GOLF CART. CAM SPOTS WATERING HOLE HUT.

 

CAM

What’s that little hut up ahead?

JAY

That’s the watering hole. Get a little refreshment, liquid and otherwise.

THEY PULL THE CART UP TO THE OPEN AIR HUT. A YOUNG LADY STANDS BEHIND THE BAR READY TO SERVE THEM. PHIL AND MITCHELL PULL THEIR CART UP BEHIND. ALL GET OUT AND APPROACH THE BAR.

JAY

Who’s thirsty?

CAM

Oh, what have we here? Bagels. Hot dogs. Are those oysters?

HUT GIRL

Oh, yeah. We had a wedding out here yesterday. Had a lot of left over oysters.

MITCHELL

Mmm, leftover oysters. Bon appétit.

CAM

I love oysters.

JAY

I’ll take six.

MITCHELL

You ARE a gambling man, dad.

JAY

I love these things. A bunch of hot sauce, a vodka lemonade chaser…Vodka lemonades all around!

PHIL

I guess it is almost 8:30 in the morning.

CAM (TO JAY)

How many can you eat in thirty seconds? For, say, twenty dollars?

JAY

At least a dozen.

CAM PRODUCES A $20 BILL FROM HIS HAND LIKE A MAGIC TRICK.

CAM

Let’s see it.

PHIL

The man knows how to golf!

MITCHELL

Dad, no, this is not a good idea…

JAY (OVER MITCHELL)

Oh, let’s do this.

HUT GIRL LINES UP OYSTERS, JAY PULLS ONE TO HIS LIPS.

INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL – DAY

MITCHELL JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH LIKE “WHAT A BAD IDEA.”

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. GOLF CLUBHOUSE BAR – DAY

CAM AND MITCHELL ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, PHIL ENTERS CLUMSILITY BUT HAPPILY WITH FOUR DRINKS.

PHIL

Another round of vodka lemonade for a great round of golf!

CAM IS ADDING UP THE SCORECARD

MITCHELL

Is that really necessary? I think we know who won.

CAM

Shh. I’m adding. And at a dollar a stroke, you don’t want me to make any mistakes.

MITCHELL ROLLS HIS EYES AND TAKES A SIP OF LEMONADE. PHIL SITS DOWN AND LEANS INTO MITCHELL

PHIL

We were really coming on strong the last couple of holes!

MITCHELL

And you are still coming on pretty strong.

CAM FINISHES THE SCORECARD WITH A FLOURISH, LOOKS UP, AROUND AND SMILES.

CAM

Ha! Where is Jay? He is going to be happy.

PHIL

He made a pretty mad dash for the locker room when we pulled in.

MITCHELL

It’s been a while. I wonder what he is doing?

PHIL

Probably making room for more of these lemonades!

MITCHELL

Mmm. Lovely.

CAM

Should you go check on him? We do have to pick up Lily in a half hour.

MITCHELL

Should I go check on him?

CAM

Well, I just thought…

PHIL JUMPS UP

PHIL

I’ll go! I’ll see what fearless leader is up to.

PHIL WALKS AWAY.

CAM

He didn’t drive did he?

MITCHELL

Claire dropped him off.

INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE – DAY

CLAIRE SMILES KNOWINGLY AND TAPS HER HEAD LIKE SHE’S LIVED WITH PHIL LONG ENOUGH, SHE KNOWS BEST.

INT. MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PHIL BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR

PHIL

Jay??

PHIL IS HIT WITH AN ODOR THAT NEARLY KNOCKS HIM OVER. HE REACTS, COVERS HIS MOUTH, GAGS A LITTLE.

PHIL (CON’T)

Oh God…

PHIL TURNS TO ESCAPE

JAY’S VOICE FROM STALL

Phil? Is that you?

PHIL STOPS, HAND STILL OVER MOUTH, GAGGING, BREATHING SHALLOWLY.

PHIL

Jay?

JAY (VOICE ONLY)

Phil, thank God, I need your help.

PHIL

Jay what happened? It smells like a baby’s diaper exploded in here. Maybe an entire nursery of diapers.

JAY V.O.

Get the liner out of the waste can and bring it over here, quick.

PHIL

What happened?

PHIL GAGS AS HE BRINGS THE GARBAGE BAG CLOSER TO THE STALL

JAY V.O.

The lemonade, the oysters, it was a deadly combination.

JAY GRABS THE BAG AND TAKES IT INTO THE STALL OVER THE TOP OF THE DOOR

JAY V.O. (CON’T)

I rushed in here to make room for more lemonade…

PHIL SILENTLY MOUTHS

I knew it!

JAY V.O.

…and while I was standing at the urinal, I tried to, you know, crack one off.

PHIL

Crack what off, Jay?

JAY V.O.

Pass some gas! Let one go!!

PHIL

Oh, fart.

PHIL FINDS A BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE ON COUNTER AND STARTS LIBERALLY SQIRTING IT IN THE AIR.

JAY V.O.

Yes. Well, I gambled and lost.

JAY’S HAND WITH BAG FULL AND KNOTTED APPEARS OVER THE DOOR OF THE STALL.

PHIL

You..?

JAY V.O.

I SH*T MY PANTS.

PHIL’S EYES GROW HUGE.

JAY V.O. (CON’T)

Now take my underwear and pants in this bag and throw it in the garbage outside. Quickly.

PHIL SQUIRTS THE AFTERSHAVE BOTTLE AGAIN.

INT. GOLF CLUBHOUSE – DAY

PHIL RUSHES TO THE TABLE

PHIL

We have an emergency.

MITCHELL

Is dad okay?

CAM STANDS UP READY FOR ACTION

PHIL PUTS A HAND ON CAM TO STOP HIM

PHIL

No. Yes, no, he’s okay, he..he just…

CAM SNIFFS AIR

CAM

What is that…smell?

PHIL

It’s Jay. He gambled and lost.

MITCHELL’S EYES GROW WIDE, HE DRAWS A HAND TO HIS MOUTH.

PHIL (CON’T)

I have his soiled pants in this bag, I need to get rid of it! But Jay needs new pants. He desperately needs pants.

CAM

I’ll go check the pro-shop.

MITCHELL

I’ll come with you.

THEY ALL EXIT QUICKLY.

INT. PRO-SHOP – DAY

CAM AND MITCHELL ARE TEARING THROUGH RACK AFTER RACK OF SHIRTS WHILE A YOUNG LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKS ON.

PROSHOP GIRL

Can I help you find something, gentlemen?

CAM

Do you have any pants? Even sweatpants?

MITCHELL

Or shorts?

CAM

Anything besides shirts and jackets?

PROSHOP GIRL

Sorry, we stopped carrying pants about a year ago.

MITCHELL

Nothing??

PROSHOP GIRL

Well…

INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PHIL BURSTS THROUGH DOOR

PHIL (WHISPERS)

Jay??

JAY V.O.

Phil! Thank God. Watch the door. Guys keep coming in, gagging and leaving.

PHIL

I understand why.

JAY V.O.

Did you get some pants?

PHIL

Mitchell and Cam are on that.

JAY V.O.

You told them?!?

PHIL

I had to! I had to get rid of that bag of, of, it was quite an ordeal just doing that! I needed help.

DOOR OPENS, BUT PHIL BLOCKS IT

PHIL (CON’T)

Uhh, occupied!

MITCHELL (OUTSIDE THE DOOR)

Phil, it’s us.

PHIL

Oh.

PHIL LETS THEM IN. AS THEY ENTER, THEY ARE HIT BY THE SMELL LIKE A BRICK TO THE NOSTRILS.

MITCHELL

Whoa, ground zero.

CAM

It smells like a hog farm in here.

JAY V.O.

Ha ha. Did you get me some pants?

MITCHELL

No pants, dad. The closest thing they had was this kilt.

CAM PULLS SCOTTISH KILT FROM BAG AND HANDS IT OVER THE DOOR OF THE STALL.

JAY V.O.

Oh no. No. No way.

MITCHELL

We thought you might say that. Here’s the other option.

EXT. GOLF PARKING LOT – DAY

MITCHELL AND PHIL CARRY THEIR BAGS WHILE LOOKING AT JAY WEARING CAM’S PINK PLAID PANTS.

PHIL

They are a little baggy, but you are pulling the look off well, Jay.

JAY

Let’s just get to the car.

MITCHELL

And you’re going commando in them just like Cam.

JAY

Oh, good God.

CAM COMES INTO VIEW WEARING KILT AND GOLF SHOES

CAM

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

END ACT II

Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me. This one isn’t a full episode, just a few scenes tied together with a theme.

MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND – “DIPPING”

AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

COLD OPEN

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S POWDERROOM – DAY

RAY showing Frank and Marie the powder room while Ally dances around in it.

RAYMOND

Well, here it is! The bathroom remodel is complete!

FRANK

It’s about time. I was going to have a heart attack going up those steps and back down during commercial breaks.

ALLY Still twirling around with her arms out, smilinG

ALLY

Isn’t it pretty?

RAYMOND

Yeah, new tile, new vanity, new paint…

MARIE

Oh, and look, Frank. A new toilet. They got a tall one. Now your balls won’t get wet.

Ally stops spinning and smiling. Ray stands with mouth agape.

MARIE (CONT’D)

Your old toilet was so low, his…

MARIE raises onE hand to block Ally seeing her lips while using other hand to making a cupping motion between her legs…she stage whispers

MARIE (CONT’D)

…you know, BALLS, used to dip in.

RAYMOND looks at Frank. Frank sheepishly shrugs and nods. Raymond grabs Ally by the shoulders and ushers her quickly past Marie.

RAYMOND

Go ask your mother when dinner will be ready.

MARIE

What, you don’t think she knows what balls are?

RAYMOND

Can you stop saying that word for 30 seconds until all of the innocents are out of earshot?

MARIE

She has two younger brothers and you for a father. Trust me, she knows what balls are.

RAYMOND

RAYMOND covers his own ears

I was talking about me!

RAYMOND quickly leaves BATHROOM. MARIE AND FRANK EXCHANGE GLANCES AND SHRUGS.

END COLD OPEN

ACT I

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

RAY AND DEBRA ARE IN BED TOGETHER. DEBRA IS READING A MAGAZINE. RAY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.

RAY

She says his balls used to dip into the old toilet!

DEBRA CONTINUES TO READ MAGAZINE, FLIPPING PAGES.

DEBRA

Yeah, she told me that a while ago.

RAY

What? These are the kinds of conversations you ladies have while we aren’t around?

DEBRA

Marie mentioned it. It’s not like we sit around and gossip about men’s testicles all day.

RAY

Riiight…

DEBRA DROPS MAGAZINE AND ADDRESSES RAY

DEBRA

Not like you and those boys at the office who sit around and talk about women’s breasts.

RAY feignS innocence

RAY

We do not….

DEBRA Glares AT RAY

RAY

That’s mostly Charlie.

DEBRA

Charlie? He should talk. He could easily fill a C-cup.

RAY

He has a glandular problem.

Anyway, we also talk about women’s butts. And sports.

DEBRA

Well, I guarantee, you spend significantly more time talking about girls parts than women do discussing men’s testicles.

RAY

Uh, huh.

DEBRA

We spend about as much time talking about balls as men do discussing menstruation.

RAY

Okay, well, no need to bring that up…

DEBRA

What, you and the boys at the office don’t sit around talking about heavy days vs. light days? About bloating? Whether you thought to pack enough tampons or pads?

RAY covers head with pillow and sings, turning away FROM DEBRA

RAY

LA LA LA LA!!

DEBRA smiles and goes back to reading MAGAZINE

ACT II

INT. RAY’S Living room. – NIGHT

Ray and Robert are watching TV.

RAY

So, did you hear about Dad’s um, dipping problem?

ROBERT

Yeah, Ma told me.

RAY

What are these conversations?!

ROBERT

She said you were very upset about it and wanted to forewarn me.

RAY

Well, do you think dad is…okay?

ROBERT

What do you mean?

RAY

I mean, do you think he’s forgetting to put the seat down?

ROBERT

I think he’s almost 80. Buck up bro, you’ll be there before me.

SFX toilet flushing. Frank emerges from the bathroom.

FRANK

I am so glad that is back in working order. And look, I didn’t miss any of the game.

RAY

So, uh, dad, no, uh…dipping?

FRANK

No. Not with the new throne. Thanks again.

RAY

So, uh, how come you were even sitting down on the old one?

FRANK

I learned a long time ago about the effects of gravity on bowel movements.

RAY

Wait a minute, you’re going number 2 in my bathroom?

FRANK

Yeah.

RAY

Why don’t you do that at home? You live across the street?

FRANK

Debra buys that super fluffy toilet paper. It’s so soft. Marie is cheap, she buys super thin sand paper.

ROBERT

It’s true.

RAY

What, You go number 2 in there, too?!

ROBERT

It is difficult to resist the lure of the super fluffy paper.

RAY (to Frank)

Well, how long has…has THAT been going on?

FRANK

Oh, for years.

ROBERT

Years.

RAY

No, I mean the, you know, dipping!

FRANK

Oh. I dunno. Past couple of years, I guess.

RAY

Wow.

FRANK

What’s the matter? That disturb you?

RAY

Well, I’m just thinking…that’s gonna be me some day.

FRANK

I know a sure fire way to avoid it.

RAY

What?

FRANK

Die young.