Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me. Not sure this is a full episode, just a few scenes tied together with a theme.
MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM
MODERN FAMILY – GAMBLING
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT
MODERN FAMILY – CHARACTERS
Jay Pritchett – PATRIARCH OF FAMILY
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett – JAY’S SECOND WIFE
Manny Delgado – GLORIA’S SON FROM PREVIOUS MARRIAGE
Mitchell Pritchett – JAY’S GAY SON
Cam Tucker – MITCHELL’S PARTNER/SPOUSE
Lily Tucker-Pritchett – MITCHELL AND CAM’S ADOPTED DAUGHTER
Claire Dunphy – JAY’S DAUGHTER
Phil Dunphy – CLAIRE’S HUSBAND
Haley – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S OLDEST DAUGHTER
Alex – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S YOUNGER DAUGHTER
Luke – CLAIRE AND PHIL’S SON
COLD OPEN
INT. COUCH CAM – JAY AND GLORIA – DAY
GLORIA IS VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED.
GLORIA
What are the two things Jay loves the most?
PAUSE. JAY’S EYES MOVE TOWARD GLORIA’S CHEST.
GLORIA (CON’T)
His family and his golf!
JAY ROLLS HIS EYES AS IF TO SAY, OH, YEAH, I GUESS.
GLORIA (CON’T)
So I get him something he’s never had before…a golf game with his family!
INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL AND CAM – DAY
MITCHELL
I played golf with my father once. Once. He yelled at me the entire round. “You’re holding the club wrong! Get closer to the ball! You’re too close to the ball! Follow through on your swing! Pick up the pace!”
I was ten.
INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE AND PHIL – DAY
PHIL
I admit, I am a little intimidated.
CLAIRE
You should be.
PHIL
But also so thrilled! I have wanted to golf with Jay for years but for some reason we just never got around to it.
INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL AND CAM – DAY
CAM
Though my passion was football, I was a fairly accomplished golfer back in high school.
MITCHELL ROLLS HIS EYES
CAM (CON’T)
Back in Iowa, we played on a former cornfield. There were no hills, no trees, no water hazards. The biggest challenge was avoiding the livestock.
INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE AND PHIL – DAY
CLAIRE
When we would ask dad if he had a good round, he’d always say “It’s not about hitting the ball well, it’s about getting away from it all.”
PHIL
What a Zen outlook!
CLAIRE
I’m pretty sure we were the “all” he was getting away from.
INT. COUCH CAM – JAY AND GLORIA – DAY
GLORIA
Then I find out only four people can play at a time. So, I plan a day for Jay to play the golf with his boys!
JAY
Family and golf. If I had to choose between the two, I’d pick golf.
END COLD OPEN
ACT I
INT. GOLF COURSE PROSHOP – DAY
JAY IS AT THE COUNTER PAYING FOR THE ROUND OF GOLF WHILE CAM, PHIL, AND MITCHELL ARE LOOKING AROUND THE PROSHOP. JAY TALKS TO THE PROSHOP GIRL AS HE PAYS FOR THE ROUND.
JAY
I know it looks like I’m paying for this right now, but I have a feeling I’ll be paying for it all morning.
PHIL TOUCHES A DISPLAY OF A PYRAMID OF GOLF BALLS AND THEY COLLAPSE AND ROLL ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE CHASE AFTER THEM.PROSHOP GIRL AWKWARDLY SMILES AT JAY.
MITCHELL AND CAM GO THROUGH THE RACKS OF SHIRTS ON DISPLAY. MITCHELL AND PHIL ARE BOTH CASUALLY DRESSED, JAY AND CAM ARE WEARING NEARLY IDENTICAL LOUD PLAID PANTS, EXCEPT CAM’S ARE BRIGHT PINK.
CAM POINTS TO HIS PANTS AND JAY’S.
CAM
Look, we’re twinsees!
JAY
Mine glow in the dark slightly less than yours.
MITCHELL
Only slightly.
CAM NOTICES A MANNEQUIN WEARING A VERY SCOTTISH KILT AND MATCHING GOLF SHIRT HOLDING A DRIVER.
CAM
Well, I may need to trade up. Come on Jay, what do you say we get kilts?
JAY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
JAY
How are you supposed to swing a club when you got everything else is swinging?
MITCHELL RAISES AN EYEBROW.
PHIL HAS FINISHED GATHERING MOST OF THE BALLS. HE IS VERY EXCITED TO SPEND THE DAY WITH JAY. CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER AND ASKS…
PHIL
Okay, so who is riding with who today??
INT. COUCH CAM – PHIL – DAY
PHIL
I am really looking forward to spending some quality father-in-law / son-in-law bonding time with Jay today.
INT. – GOLF COURSE PROSHOP – DAY
WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP, JAY RESPONDS
JAY
Cam’s with me.
CAM
Twinsees!
MITCHELL SHRUGS “OF COURSE”
INT. COUCH CAM – PHIL – DAY
PHIL
Brother-in-law bonding time is good, too.
EXT. – GOLF COURSE – DAY
THE FOURSOME IS AT THE TEE.
JAY
So are we going to make this game interesting, gentlemen?
CAM
Oooh, a little action always makes the game more interesting.
MITCHELL
Dad, there’s no way any of us can compete with you.
JAY
Oh, I know.
PHIL TAKES A PRACTICE SWING AT THE TEE AND IT IS HORRIBLE. GRASS GOES FLYING.
JAY (CON’T)
We can play teams. And I’ll spot you two strokes per hole.
PHIL TAKES ANOTHER SWING, THIS TIME THE CLUB GOES FLYING.
JAY (CON’T)
Three strokes per hole.
INT. COUCH CAM – JAY – DAY
JAY
I like to gamble. When there’s something riding on the play, it is so much more interesting. And I need as much as I can to make this round interesting.
EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY
PHIL
Whoa, did you see that? The club actually went farther than the ball!
EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY
CAM IS DRIVING JAY IN GOLF CART. CAM SPOTS WATERING HOLE HUT.
CAM
What’s that little hut up ahead?
JAY
That’s the watering hole. Get a little refreshment, liquid and otherwise.
THEY PULL THE CART UP TO THE OPEN AIR HUT. A YOUNG LADY STANDS BEHIND THE BAR READY TO SERVE THEM. PHIL AND MITCHELL PULL THEIR CART UP BEHIND. ALL GET OUT AND APPROACH THE BAR.
JAY
Who’s thirsty?
CAM
Oh, what have we here? Bagels. Hot dogs. Are those oysters?
HUT GIRL
Oh, yeah. We had a wedding out here yesterday. Had a lot of left over oysters.
MITCHELL
Mmm, leftover oysters. Bon appétit.
CAM
I love oysters.
JAY
I’ll take six.
MITCHELL
You ARE a gambling man, dad.
JAY
I love these things. A bunch of hot sauce, a vodka lemonade chaser…Vodka lemonades all around!
PHIL
I guess it is almost 8:30 in the morning.
CAM (TO JAY)
How many can you eat in thirty seconds? For, say, twenty dollars?
JAY
At least a dozen.
CAM PRODUCES A $20 BILL FROM HIS HAND LIKE A MAGIC TRICK.
CAM
Let’s see it.
PHIL
The man knows how to golf!
MITCHELL
Dad, no, this is not a good idea…
JAY (OVER MITCHELL)
Oh, let’s do this.
HUT GIRL LINES UP OYSTERS, JAY PULLS ONE TO HIS LIPS.
INT. COUCH CAM – MITCHELL – DAY
MITCHELL JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH LIKE “WHAT A BAD IDEA.”
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. GOLF CLUBHOUSE BAR – DAY
CAM AND MITCHELL ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, PHIL ENTERS CLUMSILITY BUT HAPPILY WITH FOUR DRINKS.
PHIL
Another round of vodka lemonade for a great round of golf!
CAM IS ADDING UP THE SCORECARD
MITCHELL
Is that really necessary? I think we know who won.
CAM
Shh. I’m adding. And at a dollar a stroke, you don’t want me to make any mistakes.
MITCHELL ROLLS HIS EYES AND TAKES A SIP OF LEMONADE. PHIL SITS DOWN AND LEANS INTO MITCHELL
PHIL
We were really coming on strong the last couple of holes!
MITCHELL
And you are still coming on pretty strong.
CAM FINISHES THE SCORECARD WITH A FLOURISH, LOOKS UP, AROUND AND SMILES.
CAM
Ha! Where is Jay? He is going to be happy.
PHIL
He made a pretty mad dash for the locker room when we pulled in.
MITCHELL
It’s been a while. I wonder what he is doing?
PHIL
Probably making room for more of these lemonades!
MITCHELL
Mmm. Lovely.
CAM
Should you go check on him? We do have to pick up Lily in a half hour.
MITCHELL
Should I go check on him?
CAM
Well, I just thought…
PHIL JUMPS UP
PHIL
I’ll go! I’ll see what fearless leader is up to.
PHIL WALKS AWAY.
CAM
He didn’t drive did he?
MITCHELL
Claire dropped him off.
INT. COUCH CAM – CLAIRE – DAY
CLAIRE SMILES KNOWINGLY AND TAPS HER HEAD LIKE SHE’S LIVED WITH PHIL LONG ENOUGH, SHE KNOWS BEST.
INT. MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
PHIL BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR
PHIL
Jay??
PHIL IS HIT WITH AN ODOR THAT NEARLY KNOCKS HIM OVER. HE REACTS, COVERS HIS MOUTH, GAGS A LITTLE.
PHIL (CON’T)
Oh God…
PHIL TURNS TO ESCAPE
JAY’S VOICE FROM STALL
Phil? Is that you?
PHIL STOPS, HAND STILL OVER MOUTH, GAGGING, BREATHING SHALLOWLY.
PHIL
Jay?
JAY (VOICE ONLY)
Phil, thank God, I need your help.
PHIL
Jay what happened? It smells like a baby’s diaper exploded in here. Maybe an entire nursery of diapers.
JAY V.O.
Get the liner out of the waste can and bring it over here, quick.
PHIL
What happened?
PHIL GAGS AS HE BRINGS THE GARBAGE BAG CLOSER TO THE STALL
JAY V.O.
The lemonade, the oysters, it was a deadly combination.
JAY GRABS THE BAG AND TAKES IT INTO THE STALL OVER THE TOP OF THE DOOR
JAY V.O. (CON’T)
I rushed in here to make room for more lemonade…
PHIL SILENTLY MOUTHS
I knew it!
JAY V.O.
…and while I was standing at the urinal, I tried to, you know, crack one off.
PHIL
Crack what off, Jay?
JAY V.O.
Pass some gas! Let one go!!
PHIL
Oh, fart.
PHIL FINDS A BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE ON COUNTER AND STARTS LIBERALLY SQIRTING IT IN THE AIR.
JAY V.O.
Yes. Well, I gambled and lost.
JAY’S HAND WITH BAG FULL AND KNOTTED APPEARS OVER THE DOOR OF THE STALL.
PHIL
You..?
JAY V.O.
I SH*T MY PANTS.
PHIL’S EYES GROW HUGE.
JAY V.O. (CON’T)
Now take my underwear and pants in this bag and throw it in the garbage outside. Quickly.
PHIL SQUIRTS THE AFTERSHAVE BOTTLE AGAIN.
INT. GOLF CLUBHOUSE – DAY
PHIL RUSHES TO THE TABLE
PHIL
We have an emergency.
MITCHELL
Is dad okay?
CAM STANDS UP READY FOR ACTION
PHIL PUTS A HAND ON CAM TO STOP HIM
PHIL
No. Yes, no, he’s okay, he..he just…
CAM SNIFFS AIR
CAM
What is that…smell?
PHIL
It’s Jay. He gambled and lost.
MITCHELL’S EYES GROW WIDE, HE DRAWS A HAND TO HIS MOUTH.
PHIL (CON’T)
I have his soiled pants in this bag, I need to get rid of it! But Jay needs new pants. He desperately needs pants.
CAM
I’ll go check the pro-shop.
MITCHELL
I’ll come with you.
THEY ALL EXIT QUICKLY.
INT. PRO-SHOP – DAY
CAM AND MITCHELL ARE TEARING THROUGH RACK AFTER RACK OF SHIRTS WHILE A YOUNG LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKS ON.
PROSHOP GIRL
Can I help you find something, gentlemen?
CAM
Do you have any pants? Even sweatpants?
MITCHELL
Or shorts?
CAM
Anything besides shirts and jackets?
PROSHOP GIRL
Sorry, we stopped carrying pants about a year ago.
MITCHELL
Nothing??
PROSHOP GIRL
Well…
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
PHIL BURSTS THROUGH DOOR
PHIL (WHISPERS)
Jay??
JAY V.O.
Phil! Thank God. Watch the door. Guys keep coming in, gagging and leaving.
PHIL
I understand why.
JAY V.O.
Did you get some pants?
PHIL
Mitchell and Cam are on that.
JAY V.O.
You told them?!?
PHIL
I had to! I had to get rid of that bag of, of, it was quite an ordeal just doing that! I needed help.
DOOR OPENS, BUT PHIL BLOCKS IT
PHIL (CON’T)
Uhh, occupied!
MITCHELL (OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
Phil, it’s us.
PHIL
Oh.
PHIL LETS THEM IN. AS THEY ENTER, THEY ARE HIT BY THE SMELL LIKE A BRICK TO THE NOSTRILS.
MITCHELL
Whoa, ground zero.
CAM
It smells like a hog farm in here.
JAY V.O.
Ha ha. Did you get me some pants?
MITCHELL
No pants, dad. The closest thing they had was this kilt.
CAM PULLS SCOTTISH KILT FROM BAG AND HANDS IT OVER THE DOOR OF THE STALL.
JAY V.O.
Oh no. No. No way.
MITCHELL
We thought you might say that. Here’s the other option.
EXT. GOLF PARKING LOT – DAY
MITCHELL AND PHIL CARRY THEIR BAGS WHILE LOOKING AT JAY WEARING CAM’S PINK PLAID PANTS.
PHIL
They are a little baggy, but you are pulling the look off well, Jay.
JAY
Let’s just get to the car.
MITCHELL
And you’re going commando in them just like Cam.
JAY
Oh, good God.
CAM COMES INTO VIEW WEARING KILT AND GOLF SHOES
CAM
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
END ACT II