Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me.
MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM
SEINFELD – THE VIOLATOR
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT
COLD OPEN
INT. MEN’S ROOM OF COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
THERE IS A WALL WITH 3 URINALS. JERRY IS STANDING AT THE RIGHT URINAL. ANOTHER MAN (PAUL) ENTERS THE MEN’S ROOM AND MOVES TO THE CENTER URINAL. WE DO NOT SEE PAUL’S FACE, JUST HIS BACK.
CLOSE UP OF JERRY’S FACE. HE TURNS SLIGHTLY TOWARD PAUL AND HIS EYES GET HUGE AND A LOOK OF SHOCK AND DISGUST ON HIS FACE. HE QUICKLY LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD AT THE WALL IN FRONT OF HIM.
END COLD OPEN
ACT I
INT. MONK’S DELI – DAY
IN A BOOTH, GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, ELAINE SITS ACROSS FROM THEM. JERRY ENTERS AND SLOWLY SITS NEXT TO ELAINE.
GEORGE
What’s with you?
JERRY
I had an…incident in the men’s room at the club last night.
ELAINE
I already don’t like where this is going.
KRAMER
What depraved thing have you done now?
JERRY
The room has three urinals.
ELAINE
Is this gonna be gross? ’Cause we’re eating.
GEORGE
We haven’t even ordered yet.
JERRY
There are three urinals. I’m standing at the one on the far right. This guy, Paul, the bartender, comes in and takes position at the center.
GEROGE
Whoa, wait a minute. Was the other urinal open, the one farther away?
JERRY
Oh, yeah.
KRAMER
Paul did that?
ELAINE
What’s the big deal?
GEORGE
That’s a violation. You don’t take up position right next to another guy!
ELAINE
Violation? Of what?
JERRY
The unwritten rules of men’s room etiquette.
ELAINE
You have rules?
GEORGE, KRAMER, AND JERRY IN UNISION
Oh, yeah.
KRAMER
Now that you mention it, I’ve noticed that Paul will often go to the middle urinal when all three are available.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
What’s wrong with that?
JERRY
It’s inviting company.
ELAINE
Inviting company?
JERRY
You want a buffer between you and the next guy while you’re going.
GEORGE
When you stand in the middle, you’re inviting someone to stand right next to you. In fact, you’re denying them their personal space.
ELAINE
Why? ‘Cause if a guy pees next to you, you might become gay or something?
JERRY
Of course not. It…it impedes performance.
GEORGE
Exactly!
ELAINE
Performance?
GEORGE
The ability to—uhh—perform, you know…
JERRY
The function at hand, so to speak.
ELAINE
You’ve got to be kidding.
JERRY
You’ve heard of stage fright, right?
ELAINE
In the men’s room?
JERRY
When you got to go, especially when you really got to go, you don’t want anything to distract you from your primary goal.
ELAINE
And you find yourselves easily distracted?
GEORGE, JERRY, AND KRAMER IN UNISON
Yes.
ELAINE
So, you’re all upset just because some guy had the nerve—note my judicious word choice there—to stand next to you while you tried to relieve yourself?
GEORGE
Did he talk to you?
ELAINE
That’s against the rules, too?
KRAMER
Serious violation.
ELAINE
You can’t talk in there? Like a monastery?
JERRY
Well, you can say hello or whatever. But nothing beyond that.
GEORGE
There are safe zones for conversation.
GEORGE BUILDS a little model bathroom with the salt and pepper shakers, the sugar packet holder and the single serving jelly packets.
GEORGE (CONT”D)
The sink and the entrance by the garbage can.
ELAINE
It’s okay to talk there?
ELAINE POINTS TO the strawberry jelly packet at one end of the mock men’s room.
GEORGE
Of course. A lot of gossip and off-color humor shared there.
JERRY
Actually, quite a few serious business meetings happen at the sink in the men’s room.
GEORGE
I once got a performance review while standing at the urinal.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER slurps the remains of his soda and motions to the waitress for a refill
GEORGE
I was standing there, just about to take care of business, when my manager’s manager sidles up next to me. There were only two urinals in this particular men’s room, so it wasn’t a violation.
JERRY
Were the stalls full? That should be the go-to before joining someone at the wall.
ELAINE
You have got to be kidding me.
JERRY
These are the rules.
The waitress shows up with Kramer’s refill. After she walks away, George continues.
GEORGE
It was my boss’s boss. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, he starts congratulating me on what a great job I’d been doing.
JERRY
You?
GEORGE
Yes. Ironically, his ill-timed praise of my recent performance was having the opposite effect on my performance at that moment. I just stood there, said thanks, and tried to relax enough to go. The more he praised me, the more difficult it became. Finally, I just gave up and left.
ELAINE
You didn’t go?
GEORGE
Are you listening to us? This is serious business!
Elaine rolls her eyes.
KRAMER
Poor performance at the urinal leads to speculation. Which leads to rumors…
ELAINE
Speculation and rumors?
GEORGE
People talk.
ELAINE
About what?
KRAMER
If someone just stands at the urinal and doesn’t do anything, the speculation is that he’s just browsing.
ELAINE
So it all comes back to basic homophobia.
JERRY
No, not at all. Gay men comply with the etiquette like everyone else.
GEORGE
It’s about performance. Browsers deter performance.
ELAINE
So the rumors that spread about browsers are that they obstruct performance, not that they’re gay?
GEORGE
Exactly.
JERRY
No one likes an audience.
ELAINE, GEROGE, AND KRAMER ALL LOOK AT JERRY LIKE HE’S GOT TO BE KIDDING.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Well, not in the men’s room.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
GEORGE IS ON THE COUCH READING THE PAPER. ELAINE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND JERRY COMES OUT, INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
ELAINE
How’d it go in there? Any violations?
JERRY CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE AND OPENS A SNAPPLE.
JERRY
Ha. Ha. I may never use a public restroom again.
FRONT DOOR BURSTs OPEN AND KRAMER ENTERS. HE QUICKLY LOOKS AT EVERYONE.
KRAMER
Yeah…
KRAMER HEADS STRAIGHT TO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
ELAINE
Looks like you don’t have a choice.
JERRY CROSSES TO BATHROOM AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
JERRY
Hey be courteous in there, will ya?
KRAMER V.O.
(UNITELLIGIBLE RESPONSE)
ELAINE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND ADDRESSES GEORGE.
ELAINE
How’s work? Any pop performance reviews?
GEORGE
Fortunately, I don’t have that problem at my new office. I have a bigger problem.
ELAINE
I am afraid to ask…
GEORGE
There’s only a dozen people. So we only have two small restrooms, a men’s and ladies’ right next to each other situated across from the receptionist desk. It’s nice because there’s no problems like we’ve discussed here. Single room, single seat, lock on the door.
ELAINE
So the downside is…?
GEORGE
Well for starters, if someone’s waiting, there’s the awkward moment at the door as one vacates and the other enters. But the worst part is the receptionist. Cindy.
JERRY
Cindy?
GEORGE
Cindy.
GEORGE MENTALLY CONSIDERS CINDY, AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Twenty-five, sandy blonde, single, hot. Cindy. Someone I don’t have a chance in hell with. Every morning, ten AM like clockwork, it’s time for my daily constitutional.
ELAINE
T.M.I.
Elaine raises her hands.
GEORGE
Too much information? It’s simple biology. You don’t do it?
ELAINE
I don’t talk about it.
GEORGE
My point is, that the bathroom walls are thin. Well, the door is anyway. I’ll see Cindy sitting all pretty at her desk, typing away at her keyboard. She always smiles and says hello. I smile and my face burns red.
JERRY
Does that red go all the way up?
JERRY TAPS GEORGES BALD HEAD.
GEORGE
Gee, I never thought of it before. But, thanks, now there’s something else I’ll forever be self-conscious of.
JERRY
No problem.
GEORGE
It’s really bad when I get there and find it occupied. You don’t know until you try the door. There’s only five other guys in my office, so the odds are in my favor, but sometimes it happens.
ELAINE
So then what? Small talk with Cindy while you wait?
GEORGE
If I had a shred of self-confidence, maybe. No. Just awkward silence. But the worst part is once I get inside. I turn the fan on for cover, but the elapsed time spent in the room always gives away the purpose of the visit. And as I sit there, attempting any means of discretion, I can clearly hear Cindy tapping at her keyboard.
George tapS his fingers on the table for emphasis.
ELAINE
So?
GEORGE
So!? If I can hear her lovely, slender fingers gently typing invoices and e-mail, imagine what she can hear above the low roar of the fan! I never make eye contact with her as I exit. Always a bee-line back to my office.
ELAINE
Poor Cindy. She deserves combat pay.
KRAMER EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM, NODS AT EVERYONE AS HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRIDGE. HE POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF MILK.
JERRY GLANCES INTO THE BATHROOM
JERRY
I see you opened the window.
KRAMER DOWNS MILK IN ONE GULP. WIPES TOP LIP WITH BACK OF HAND.
KRAMER
Oh yeah.
JERRY
Well, I hope you washed up.
KRAMER WIGGLES HIS FINGERS
KRAMER
Clean as a new toothbrush. Which, by the way, you should consider getting.
ELAINE
I suppose not-washing is men’s room etiquette offense, too.
JERRY, GEORGE, AND KRAMER IN UNISON
Oh, yeah.
KRAMER
The sink is where you spot the no-wash offenders.
ELAINE
How does that work?
KRAMER
You’re standing at the sink, waiting for the guy who was at the urinals to join you in the safe zone for a quick chat, but he just passes you by and zip—out the door.
JERRY
The no-wash offense.
ELAINE
They don’t wash their hands?
GEORGE
That’s why it’s an offense.
ELAINE
Boys are gross.
GEORGE
A urinal no-wash is bad. But when I witness a stall no-wash, I almost feel obligated to tell people.
ELAINE
A stall no-wash?
JERRY
They emerge from a stall and skip the sink.
ELAINE
That’s disgusting!
GEORGE
Which is why I want to warn others. I want to go back into the office, point out the offender to anyone who comes in personal contact with him and declare ‘Stall no-wash!’
ELAINE
But you don’t actually do that.
GEORGE sheepishly GOES BACK TO HIS PAPER.
GEORGE
No.
ELAINE
You don’t feel the need to fantasize about announcing urinal no-washes?
GEORGE
While disgusting, it’s a lesser violation. It is possible to urinate without getting any backsplash. Unlikely, but possible.
KRAMER
Actually, urine is sterile.
GEORGE
Any problems with Paul last night?
JERRY
Actually, yes! Worse than the proximity violation.
ELAINE
Worse?
JERRY
He had food.
ELAINE
Who eats in the bathroom?
JERRY
Exactly! He stood next to me at the urinals eating a huge bagel loaded with cream cheese.
ELAINE
Get out!
JERRY
He smiled at me as he chewed, like it was perfectly normal. Pretty gross.
KRAMER
I’ve seen you take your water bottle in there with you.
JERRY
I leave it at the sink counter.
Safe zone.
KRAMER
There’s no safe zone for food in the men’s room. I once saw this guy walk from the urinal to the sink still hangin’ out. He’d wash up, then he’d do this pelvic thrust move and zip up all in one fluid motion.
KRAMER MIMICS PELVIC THRUST MOVE.
KRAMER (CON’T)
I called him Johnny No-hands and his patented flip-n-zip move.
JERRY
He was hanging out at the sink?
KRAMER
There’s no safe zone for food in the men’s room.
ELAINE
Boys are gross.
GEORGE
In college, we used to play this little game we called Bombardier.
ELAINE
I really don’t like where this is going.
GEORGE
We used to take turns straddling the top of the stall walls, take our best aim and let fly with the ordinance.
JERRY
You’ve got to be kidding.
KRAMER nods with sick admiration.
KRAMER
Gotta admit, that’s pretty cool.
ELAINE
Are you talking number one or number two?
GEORGE JUST SHRUGS. DOES HE REALLY NEED TO SAY IT ALOUD?
ELAINE (CON’T)
Girls do not do things like that!
GEORGE
All the guys on the dorm floor would gather around and take bets on accuracy. If anyone was ever lucky enough to get a bulls-eye, there was a huge splashdown. Very impressive.
JERRY
I’m guessing alcohol was a major component of this activity.
GEORGE
Of course. And we always used the same stall. It was generally avoided otherwise. You knew that someone really had to go if they were willing to enter the Bombardier stall.
JERRY
There better not have been any bombardier action in here.
JERRY POINTS TO HIS BATHROOM, GLARES AT KRAMER.
KRAMER
No. No. Just, get a new toothbrush.
END ACT II