Events in my life often seem to be lacking only a live studio audience reaction. This is a mock script of an actual sitcom, using the well known characters and set-ups to tell a story that actually happened to me. This one isn’t a full episode, just a few scenes tied together with a theme.
MY LIFE, THE S*ITCOM
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND – “DIPPING”
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT
COLD OPEN
INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S POWDERROOM – DAY
RAY showing Frank and Marie the powder room while Ally dances around in it.
RAYMOND
Well, here it is! The bathroom remodel is complete!
FRANK
It’s about time. I was going to have a heart attack going up those steps and back down during commercial breaks.
ALLY Still twirling around with her arms out, smilinG
ALLY
Isn’t it pretty?
RAYMOND
Yeah, new tile, new vanity, new paint…
MARIE
Oh, and look, Frank. A new toilet. They got a tall one. Now your balls won’t get wet.
Ally stops spinning and smiling. Ray stands with mouth agape.
MARIE (CONT’D)
Your old toilet was so low, his…
MARIE raises onE hand to block Ally seeing her lips while using other hand to making a cupping motion between her legs…she stage whispers
MARIE (CONT’D)
…you know, BALLS, used to dip in.
RAYMOND looks at Frank. Frank sheepishly shrugs and nods. Raymond grabs Ally by the shoulders and ushers her quickly past Marie.
RAYMOND
Go ask your mother when dinner will be ready.
MARIE
What, you don’t think she knows what balls are?
RAYMOND
Can you stop saying that word for 30 seconds until all of the innocents are out of earshot?
MARIE
She has two younger brothers and you for a father. Trust me, she knows what balls are.
RAYMOND
RAYMOND covers his own ears
I was talking about me!
RAYMOND quickly leaves BATHROOM. MARIE AND FRANK EXCHANGE GLANCES AND SHRUGS.
END COLD OPEN
ACT I
INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
RAY AND DEBRA ARE IN BED TOGETHER. DEBRA IS READING A MAGAZINE. RAY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.
RAY
She says his balls used to dip into the old toilet!
DEBRA CONTINUES TO READ MAGAZINE, FLIPPING PAGES.
DEBRA
Yeah, she told me that a while ago.
RAY
What? These are the kinds of conversations you ladies have while we aren’t around?
DEBRA
Marie mentioned it. It’s not like we sit around and gossip about men’s testicles all day.
RAY
Riiight…
DEBRA DROPS MAGAZINE AND ADDRESSES RAY
DEBRA
Not like you and those boys at the office who sit around and talk about women’s breasts.
RAY feignS innocence
RAY
We do not….
DEBRA Glares AT RAY
RAY
That’s mostly Charlie.
DEBRA
Charlie? He should talk. He could easily fill a C-cup.
RAY
He has a glandular problem.
Anyway, we also talk about women’s butts. And sports.
DEBRA
Well, I guarantee, you spend significantly more time talking about girls parts than women do discussing men’s testicles.
RAY
Uh, huh.
DEBRA
We spend about as much time talking about balls as men do discussing menstruation.
RAY
Okay, well, no need to bring that up…
DEBRA
What, you and the boys at the office don’t sit around talking about heavy days vs. light days? About bloating? Whether you thought to pack enough tampons or pads?
RAY covers head with pillow and sings, turning away FROM DEBRA
RAY
LA LA LA LA!!
DEBRA smiles and goes back to reading MAGAZINE
ACT II
INT. RAY’S Living room. – NIGHT
Ray and Robert are watching TV.
RAY
So, did you hear about Dad’s um, dipping problem?
ROBERT
Yeah, Ma told me.
RAY
What are these conversations?!
ROBERT
She said you were very upset about it and wanted to forewarn me.
RAY
Well, do you think dad is…okay?
ROBERT
What do you mean?
RAY
I mean, do you think he’s forgetting to put the seat down?
ROBERT
I think he’s almost 80. Buck up bro, you’ll be there before me.
SFX toilet flushing. Frank emerges from the bathroom.
FRANK
I am so glad that is back in working order. And look, I didn’t miss any of the game.
RAY
So, uh, dad, no, uh…dipping?
FRANK
No. Not with the new throne. Thanks again.
RAY
So, uh, how come you were even sitting down on the old one?
FRANK
I learned a long time ago about the effects of gravity on bowel movements.
RAY
Wait a minute, you’re going number 2 in my bathroom?
FRANK
Yeah.
RAY
Why don’t you do that at home? You live across the street?
FRANK
Debra buys that super fluffy toilet paper. It’s so soft. Marie is cheap, she buys super thin sand paper.
ROBERT
It’s true.
RAY
What, You go number 2 in there, too?!
ROBERT
It is difficult to resist the lure of the super fluffy paper.
RAY (to Frank)
Well, how long has…has THAT been going on?
FRANK
Oh, for years.
ROBERT
Years.
RAY
No, I mean the, you know, dipping!
FRANK
Oh. I dunno. Past couple of years, I guess.
RAY
Wow.
FRANK
What’s the matter? That disturb you?
RAY
Well, I’m just thinking…that’s gonna be me some day.
FRANK
I know a sure fire way to avoid it.
RAY
What?
FRANK
Die young.